The Kiss
by A Song I Can't Get Out
Summary: Merlin breaks Arthur's heart by kissing someone else, but he is having second thoughts. This is Merlin/Arthur Slash. Contains a very drunk prince, an emotional martyr sorcerer, and a knight who is used as a pawn... Also: Arthur is so OOC it makes me ill
1. Chapter 1

Rating: PG

Pairing: MerlinEmrys/ArthurPendragon

Rights: Merlin and co are owned by the BBC, and not me… sadly.

Prince Arthur of Camelot had decided that throwing himself on his bed in a fit of sadness was not his thing. As he lay in his bed, tangled in blankets, hands balled in angry fists, he came to that realization. Not to say that his heart wasn't shattering inside his frame, simply that throwing himself dramatically onto the bed wasn't something he liked to do. He couldn't really believe he'd done it. It was spur of the moment. He thought about how that's what Morgana did when she was upset and helpless, and that must have settled it, because he did it. It didn't help.

He sat up, running a hand through his blonde hair and sighing. Much more dignified. He'd have to try a manlier way of letting out his pain. He thought perhaps he could go to the training grounds, and hack a target to pieces. Or maybe a hunt. To his dismay, the last thing he wanted to do was leave his room. He wanted to lie in bed, and bury his head under the covers. He didn't want to go anywhere else.

But even hiding in his bed wouldn't save him. He knew Merlin would be back in the morning, before Lancelot's knighting ceremony, awkwardly stoking the fire and going about his work. He would probably pretend that Arthur didn't exist. He would probably act like their relationship had never happened. Pretend he hadn't torn Arthur's heart from his chest only the night before.

Arthur moaned and shoved his face in his pillow. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about how much he _ached_, how much he wished he could just cry his eyes out. But those were not things that a prince could do. So he held it in, turmoil tearing him apart on the inside only. He didn't know if he could keep it in when he saw Merlin the next day.

Merlin. That gorgeous, perfect creature. Arthur hadn't really noticed when he'd realized that he loved Merlin more than as a friend. But it had happened, and it had hurt. When he learned Merlin felt the same, he'd never been happier. Merlin, the object of his most sincere affections had finally become his. But Arthur should have learned that good things never last. There's always something that comes along and ruins them.

This something was named Lancelot. Arthur could tell straight off that Merlin fancied him. He was quite the man to fancy, dashing good looks, moral perfections, and undying loyalty. But Arthur didn't really believe Merlin would act on it. He was comfortable with Merlin. He trusted Merlin. Merlin would never hurt him.

When Arthur and Gwen walked in on those two men kissing in the stables- Arthur could barely think about it. Merlin, _his_ Merlin, was being held tightly in Lancelot's strong handsome arms, and they were kissing. It's not like Arthur could do anything. Not in front of Lancelot and Gwen. He couldn't go exposing his secret that he fancied men. Gwen's reaction did the job. Her short gasp woke the two of them from their beautiful dream, and they saw Arthur. Lancelot bowed his apologies for his conduct and left. He didn't know the extent of the damage he'd caused. He could _never_ know.

Merlin just stared. He didn't even look the least bit sorry.

"If you'll excuse me, Guinevere," Arthur managed to sputter, nearly _running_ from the stables.

"Me as well," Merlin said, chasing after Arthur and leaving Gwen alone.

They'd ended up in Arthurs chambers. Arthur's hands were splayed on the wall above his roaring fire and he was shaking. He couldn't cry. He wouldn't cry. Not for Merlin. Not for this.

"Arthur?" Merlin said, walking into the room.

"What do you have to say?" Arthur snapped. He usually wasn't _truly_ angry at Merlin, and his snapping felt rough, but he had to. He was hurt. "What could you _possibly _say?"

"It just sort of happened," Merlin said. Completely calm. Like he didn't care.

"So when you said you loved me… that was… a joke?" Arthur said, not moving.

"I did love you," Merlin said. "But I can only take so much poor treatment before I stop loving."

"Poor treatment?" Arthur asked. "What have I done?"

"You never listen," Merlin snapped. "You still treat me like I'm a servant."

"If I treated you like a normal _servant_ we couldn't even be friends," Arthur said, voice low and shaky. "My father already gets angry at me because of how _gentle_ I am with you."

"But you still don't listen to me," Merlin said. "You don't respect the things that matter to me."

"Yes I do," Arthur said. "I'm sorry that you don't _always_ get your way. But that's life. You're not always going to like the decisions I make. If you want me to just do your bidding blindly, then why don't you just use your _magic_ and enchant me?"

"That's the part that hurts the most," Merlin snapped. "You treat me like a criminal because I can do magic. I was born this way! I can't help it."

"Whether or not I agree with the laws, it is still a crime. If you're not careful, my father will kill you," Arthur said. "Of course I have to be cautious. I'm trying to protect you. My life is no cakewalk, Merlin. It's _hard_. Uther doesn't let me live. Doesn't let me have fun. He doesn't let me breathe. I know things are difficult for you, but you have to understand that I'm doing the best I can."

"Well maybe it's not enough," Merlin said.

"You don't mean that," Arthur said, looking up at Merlin. The prince's eyes were wet, but no tears had actually fallen.

"I do," Merlin said. "I'd like to go now. It's getting late."

"Tell me you don't love me," Arthur said. "If you mean that, then you can go."

"I don't love you," Merlin said. Turning and leaving the room. It was at this moment that Arthur had thrown himself on the bed.

Thinking through the events of the night, Arthur moaned again, burrowing farther into his blankets and pillows. He willed away his tears until he finally fell asleep.

~*~


	2. Chapter 2

Rating: PG

Pairing: MerlinEmrys/ArthurPendragon

Rights: Merlin and co are owned by the BBC, and not me… sadly.

The next morning, Merlin crept into Arthur's chambers far earlier than usual. He intended to do his chores and get out before Arthur woke up. He didn't want to have the awkward confrontation with Arthur. He didn't want to explain himself. He regretted what he'd done, but he couldn't take it back. He wasn't even sure he wanted to.

Merlin had come to grips with the fact that Arthur was going to leave him. As soon as that crown was placed on Arthur's head. The king would have to produce an heir. He couldn't run around in the shadows with his servant, kissing and touching but never being _anything_ more. Merlin needed more. And he was trying to find more in other people.

That didn't mean that it hurt less when he walked into Arthur's chambers to see Arthur curled up in a ball on his bed, clutching his pillow to his chest like his life depended on it being there. Merlin didn't fail to notice that, tight in one of Arthur's hands, was a stone that he and Merlin had found months before by the river. They'd gone there to be alone, and Merlin had found a perfectly smooth, grey stone. There was nothing special about it, he just liked it. He'd shown it to Arthur and Arthur had laughed at him. Merlin had said he didn't care what Arthur thought, and that he wanted Arthur to keep the perfect rock. Arthur had smiled and taken it, running down to the rocky beach, searching for his own rock. He explained that if he got that one, then Merlin should have a rock that stood out to Arthur. Merlin could picture his own stone, sitting in his night table drawer. It was jagged and red with small elemental sparkles in it. It was beautiful, but in a totally different way than the rock Arthur clutched so desperately.

Merlin shook his head. Memories would do him no good. He cleaned Arthur's chambers and stoked his fire, ducking from the room before Arthur awoke. He'd have to see Arthur at the feast later that evening, but he wouldn't have to be alone with him.

~*~

Arthur was drunk. Sloshed. Hammered. Pissed.

Every time his goblet was filled, he would down it immediately and call for another.

"Perhaps you've had enough," Morgana said, heading to the prince.

"I know I haven't," Arthur snapped drunkenly. "I still remember."

"Remember what?" Morgana asked.

"Merlin," Arthur slurred, pointing at his servant, as Merlin refilled Lancelot's goblet. "Stupid bloody perfect Merlin. Goes around breaking people's hearts."

"Arthur," Morgana said, glancing at King Uther with seriousness in her voice, "this is not the place to talk about this." She'd had her suspicions that the two of them were together, and Arthur's drunken and heartbroken mumblings confirmed it. But she didn't want the King to hear. The execution bells would be ringing before sun up.

"Nowhere is," Arthur whimpered. "cause it's all wrong. What the hell kind of prince get his heart broken by a servant? By a… by Merlin?"

"I don't know Arthur," Morgana said. "You've had enough. I'm taking you back to your chambers."

"I don't want to go there…" Arthur whimpered. "my bed's so empty…"

"You're drunk, Arthur," Morgana said. "Come with me. You're lucky Uther hasn't noticed you yet."

"Oh don't worry, Uther never notices me," Arthur said, giggling. Morgana rolled her eyes and slowly dragged him from the feast and to his chambers.

"Why are you being nice?" Arthur asked, as Morgana sat him on his bed.

"Because you're obviously depressed," Morgana replied, sitting beside him. "Do you want to talk about it? We're away from prying eyes… you can tell me what's happened between you two."

"Not much to tell," Arthur grumbled, laying back and sighing, "I'm a stupid, idiotic, _prat._ And because I'm so bloody awful to Merlin, he's gone off and decided he'd rather be with a knight! Who'd want to be with me? I sure wouldn't…"

"Which knight?" Morgana asked.

"As if you don't know…" Arthur laughed.

"I don't. Who is it?"

"Lancelot. Fantastic, brilliant, handsome Lancelot!" Arthur choked. "With his stupid brown hair and his niceness. Oh, I'm Lancelot, I'm so bloody nice to everyone!"

"Did Lancelot know you and Merlin were-"

"No, but whose side are you on?" Arthur slurred. "Doesn't make sense to me. I thought he was the one, ya know? The _one_. I thought he was gonna be my big, stupid, gorgeous happy ending. With his big ears and his stupid smile. I thought he was the _one_… my life means nothing now…"

"Yes it does, Arthur," Morgana said, "you're going to be king. A great king. Truly. I know it."

"How can I be a great king, if I'm empty inside?" Arthur asked. His sheer drunken innocence broke Morgana's heart.

"The people of Albion will fill your heart," she said, "and you'll someone to love."

"No! I don't want anyone but him!" Arthur snapped.

"You should get some sleep, Arthur," Morgana said, gently. She helped him change and tucked him in, kissing him on the forehead and blowing out his bedside candle.

"Night, Morgana," he whimpered into the dark.

"Goodnight, Arthur Pendragon."

~*~


	3. Chapter 3

Rating: PG

Pairing: MerlinEmrys/ArthurPendragon

Rights: Merlin and co are owned by the BBC, and not me… sadly.

Arthur had no important duties the next day, so when he woke up to discover that Merlin had, once again, snuck in early and ducked out, he decided to stay in his chambers all day. He knew he couldn't carry on like a lovesick girl, but he just needed one more day. One more day to lie in bed thinking of a life that was a dream… thinking of his perfect Merlin.

It started to rain and Arthur frowned. As the rain battered against the window, he thought of better days. The last time it had rained in Camelot, Merlin had come to Arthur's chambers to stoke the fire and keep Arthur warm. They had spent the evening under a blanket by the fire, whispering promises that Arthur had thought were real.

Merlin was probably doing the same thing to Sir Lancelot at that very moment. Arthur whimpered. He didn't know if he could bear to see Lancelot knowing that he and Merlin were together. He couldn't stand being in his chambers anymore. He hated it there without Merlin.

Sighing for the _millionth_ time, he grabbed his jacket and headed to find a secluded hallway in the castle.

~*~

"Oh no, it's raining," Merlin said. He and Lancelot had just sat down to the dinner Gaius had prepared for them. "I guess you can't go sparring with Sir Owain after all."

"You're not going to do this, Merlin," Lancelot said. "I told you that kiss was an accident. A onetime thing."

"I know," Merlin said. He didn't know why he was trying so hard. He'd seen Arthur spending the knighting ceremony, giggling with Morgana and he'd been jealous. Arthur and Morgana were supposed to end up together, it's what people thought was going to happen. And Merlin hated how they smiled and chatted, how Morgana led Arthur from the feast and back to his chambers. Seeing them like that, had made Merlin's stomach clench. He wanted to move on first. He needed to. The only reason he'd left Arthur is because he knew Arthur was going to move on. He couldn't bear to watch it happen. That was why he continued to shamelessly advance upon Lancelot, even though the knight had made it perfectly clear he wasn't interested.

"Stop staring at me like that, Merlin," Lancelot said, sighing. "I'm sorry is turned out like this. I never wanted to hurt you, I just… I have feelings for someone else."

"I thought you had something for Owain," Merlin said, knowingly. He was amazed at how much he didn't care that Lancelot wasn't interested in him.

"Not Owain," Lancelot said, but he smiled, he seemed to notice that Merlin didn't care. "Arthur. I can't stop thinking about him. He's- he's just so-"

"He's taken," Merlin snapped. His jealousy churning once again.

"Is he?" Lancelot looked crestfallen.

"Morgana," Merlin said. "And he'd never go for you anyway."

"Because we're both men?" Lancelot said, Merlin's jealousy was blinding him to Lancelot's pain.

"No," Merlin said, "because you're my friend and he saw us kissing."

Merlin saw the panicked frown on Lancelots face, and finally began to feel bad for the man. He'd done nothing. "Well, surely if I tell him that you and I are not together, he-"

"He and I were together," Merlin said. "He discovered that we were no longer together when he saw you and me kissing. I'm really sorry, but he probably blames you for taking me away from him."

"But I didn't!" Lancelot snapped. "I need to clear that up with him. I understand if I cannot be with him, I had assumed he and I could not become an item, but I can't have him thinking that I caused this! I'm one of his knights, Merlin! He's supposed to trust me!"

"I'm sorry," Merlin whispered, as Lancelot stormed out into the night. Merlin couldn't be there when Gaius asked what happened, he didn't want to explain himself. With a frown, he grabbed his jacket and headed to find a secluded hallway in the castle. He knew just the one. It was near the kitchens, and the smells of baking wafted into it. It was an unused part of the castle, a staircase leading down to a dark, empty hallway.

He would finally get to be alone to collect his thoughts there.

As he turned down the final corridor and made his way down the stairs, he stopped suddenly.

Arthur was sitting at the bottom, face in his hands. Merlin tried to back away, but Arthur had heard him. He turned and when he saw Merlin, he froze.

"What are you doing here?" Merlin finally sputtered, continuing to walk down the steps. It was too late now; he knew they were going to have to talk.

Arthur stood up and backed away from Merlin until he hit the wall opposite the stairs. He was trapped. "I- I'm hiding," Arthur managed to sputter. He looked horrified. He wanted to run, but he also wanted to grab Merlin and beg him to take it all back.

"From who?" Merlin asked, sitting down on the steps across from Arthur.

"I don't know," Arthur said. "You, I guess."

"You don't have to hide from-"

"_Yes_," Arthur said, closing his eyes, they were welling with tears, and he _couldn't_ have that. He promised himself, _no tears_. "I do have to hide."

"Why?" Merlin asked.

"Because it hurts too much to see you," Arthur whispered, he was losing his battle with his tears, "because everywhere I go… I think of _you_. I- I can't-" Arthur turned away just as a tear seeped from his eye. He hadn't cried in _years_. He couldn't be doing this now. Not in front of Merlin.

"I'm sorry," Merlin said.

"…can you please explain what happened?" Arthur asked. He was still looking away from Merlin, but Merlin could see him shaking.

"I was…" Merlin never intended to tell Arthur his true reasons, but they spilled out before he could stop himself. "…protecting myself."

"From what?" Arthur whispered.

"From you, leaving me," Merlin said. "I knew it was going to happen. I knew you and Morgana would end up-"

"Morgana and I aren't-" Arthur started, but then froze. "You never trusted me."

"Of course I did," Merlin said.

"Don't take pity and lie to me," Arthur said, turning angrily and facing Merlin. The tears were one his cheeks, but he didn't care. "You didn't trust me. That's what caused this. Isn't it?"

"Athur I trusted you with my life!" Merlin snapped.

"If you trusted me, you would never have thought I'd leave you," Arthur said, tears flowing freely. "But really, you were the one that shouldn't be trusted."

"What are you talking about?" Merlin snapped. He was incredibly trustworthy!

"When you said you loved me, and wanted to be with me forever, I was stupid enough to believe you," Arthur whispered, pushing Merlin out of his way as he ran up the steps.

"Arthur, wait!" Merlin called, but Arthur was gone.

~*~


	4. Chapter 4

Rating: PG

Pairing: MerlinEmrys/ArthurPendragon

Rights: Merlin and co are owned by the BBC, and not me… sadly.

As Arthur made it back into the safe haven of his own chambers, he was struck with another unpleasant surprise. Lancelot was sitting at his desk, waiting for him.

"Can't you people leave me alone!" Arthur snapped, trying to wipe the tears from his face discreetly. Of course, Lancelot saw them.

"Sire," Lancelot said, "my apologies. I came to clear up a huge misunderstanding. Merlin and I are _not_ in any sort of relationship. What you saw in the stables was an accident, it was-"

"Don't worry, Lancelot," Arthur said, he sounded so deflated as he sat heavily down on the foot of his bed and stared at his boots. "I'm not angry with you. None of this is your fault."

"For what it's worth," Lancelot said, "I'm sorry."

"Thank you," Arthur whispered. He was fighting so hard to keep his tears in, but he was failing.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" Lancelot asked. "I can tell you're upset. If you need to talk, I- I'm here."

Arthur smiled briefly. "I appreciate that. But I'd really rather be alone."

"Of course, sire," Lancelot whispered, vacating the room. As soon as the door closed, Arthur laid back into his bed, grabbing his pillow and pressing his face into it, crying his eyes out.

He hadn't heard Merlin enter.

"I _did_ want to be with you," Merlin whispered. Arthur jumped, embarrassed.

"Get out of here!" he snapped, throwing the pillow at Merlin.

"I meant every word," Merlin continued. "I just- I thought about the future, and I didn't see a way that we _could_ be together. You need a queen, and an heir. You wouldn't want to sneak around with me for the rest of your life. I knew you meant what you said, too. I trusted you. I just knew that you'd change your mind one day. You'd wake up and realize that as much as you wanted me, you couldn't do it anymore. I was just trying to protect myself before that day came. Before I invested too much of my heart in you."

Arthur sat on his bed, staring blankly.

"I wish I'd known that," Arthur whimpered finally, bowing his head as his tears came _again_, "I gave you my whole heart ages ago. I _invested_ my heart in you completely."

"I know that now," Merlin whispered.

"I guess I was just wrong," Arthur said, still staring at the floor, tears dripping down his nose. He hadn't noticed that Merlin was taking slow, nervous steps toward him. "I shouldn't have expected so much. I hadn't really thought about how often people don't get their happy endings…"

"You're not wrong," Merlin said, sitting on the bed beside Arthur, "I'm the one that was wrong."

Arthur looked up at him with confused hope. "What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry I've been an idiot," Merlin whispered, wiping the tears from Arthur's cheeks. Arthur breathed a sigh of relief, and leaned into Merlin's touch. He hadn't even realized he'd been holding his breath. "Will you have me back?"

Before Arthur had realized what he was doing, he'd thrown his arms around Merlin and buried his face into the wizard's neck.

"I love you, Merlin…" he breathed, clinging to Merlin desperately.

"I love you, too," Merlin said, his own tears falling from his eyes. "I've been stupid. A prize idiot. How could I have let you go?"

"…promise me one thing," Arthur said.

"Anything," Merlin replied, without thinking about it for even a moment.

"Promise me, that you'll talk to me," Arthur said, "about everything- _anything_ that's bothering you. Even the smallest worries. Promise me you won't do this to me again."

Merlin held Arthur as tightly as he could, and whispered a soft "_I promise_."

FIN


End file.
